Thirty-Eight Pages
by Scribbler17
Summary: Barry's rough draft of written vows to Iris, as mentioned in the crossover before his wedding. Each chapter is meant to be a "page." Work-in-progress.
1. Chapter 1

_Usually when you've anticipated something for so long, as long as years and years, almost twenty years to be exact, life has this funny way of letting you down when the thing actually comes along, right? Like I think there's a real science to this, even if I've never come across it in any of my studies and readings. I guess you'd know more about the social psychology of expectation and excitement, but I think it's pretty safe to say that the prospect of something is usually better than the something turns out to be._

 _Except when it comes to marrying you. But then again, you've always been an exception Iris, so why would marrying you be any different?_

 _Wait-that doesn't make any sense-I basically just said marrying you isn't an exception to you being an exception…_

 _I'm starting to sound like I do when I speak out loud, and writing this was supposed to help me NOT sound like that during our wedding ceremony, so let me just try to say what I mean again: almost two decades of waiting for this moment (most of those years spent wondering if this was ever even going to happen), for the day I would actually be writing my wedding vows to you, for the time when I'm preparing to become your husband and make official my promise to love you as long as my heart is beating (and maybe even after that-who knows what's possible anymore after everything these last four years have shown), all that time hasn't diminished the happiness or thrill I'm feeling right now._

 _In fact, I would say the wait has heightened them, because what's better than the anticipation of the best thing in the world? Finally getting the best thing in the world, and Iris, the wait has been worth it and even more._

 _I haven't been putting this off-writing my vows I mean. I'm aware that our wedding is next week, and I know you would forgive me anyway if I HAD been procrastinating this, because I have so much on my plate compared to the average person, and because you're the most understanding person the multiverse has probably ever known, but I think I would have wanted you to scold me anyway if I had delayed this, because this is just as important as my work as a CSI, or my quests as The Flash. In fact, I'd say it's even more important._

 _From now on, being your husband is my biggest priority, responsibility, and privilege, and all that starts with my vows to you, with the care and effort I put into crafting them. So please believe me when I say I haven't been putting off writing them, because I've been thinking about them ever since I knew I wanted to marry you, and that was years and years ago. More accurately, I've been putting off materializing them in some sort of concrete form, tangible like paper, making them formal, something legible that I can share with you in front of our guests, the people closest to us._

 _I'm guessing maybe that two-week suspension from work came at a good time then. You're the one who's always teaching me how to see the bright side of things, how to handle strife and make the most of it, how to take advantage of a negative situation, so maybe this was fate's way of telling me to slow down-to just focus on you and reflect on what marrying you is going to mean._


	2. Chapter 2

_This is difficult not because I don't know what to say. On the contrary, everything is easy when it involves you, but I guess the difficult part is trying to condense everything I feel when it comes to you in a way that others can process and understand. And then trying to make this concise for the ceremony of course. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fit years and years of loving you into a few paragraphs, so that's part of the intimidation. Another thing I'm worried about-how long this is going to end up being, but for now I'm just word vomiting or free-styling here I should say. I know I don't have the best reputation when it comes to free-styling (the memory of our eighth-grade talent show is still fresh in my mind-ah Iris, if only you'd known then why I embarrassed myself rapping like that for you), but I'll take my shot once again. Hopefully it won't end in a can of soda being tossed at me and a loud chorus of booing._

 _I also don't really know how much I should reveal with this. If it were just you and me, we wouldn't have that problem, but I'll have to edit myself eventually. I guess we'll just have to see what length this turns out to be._

 _Basically I'm taking the writing recommendation you gave me when you started journaling consistently in college. Remember that? I wondered how you could write so much so regularly, and you told me you just-WROTE. You wrote without editing yourself or worrying about how it sounded, and later on you told me that stream of consciousness was the best practice you've ever had for your professional writing career, even if it was a totally different kind of writing than the type you do now._

 _So of course I'm going to follow the advice of the best writer I know when it comes to the most important words I'll ever deliver._

 _It's a bit weird to type my wedding vows too-I know it would feel more romantic to handwrite them. You're probably handwriting yours on some beautiful stationary because I know how much you love handwritten notes and letters and the distinct, personalized sentiment they capture, especially after all the typing you do for work, but you're going to have to forgive me, Babe. I'd be fast either way, but if I'm being real, I probably won't be able to read what I write to you, and the only time I'm writing by hand these days is when I'm calculating impact angles of blood stains at the scene of a crime, so maybe typing is my formal, more romantic favor to you._


	3. Chapter 3

_That was my introduction of some sort._

 _My God-all that for an introduction. I should stop treating this like my undergraduate thesis statement._

 _The real introduction starts with the day I met you, in the Third grade in Mr. Hinkley's class._

 _I've told you before that I loved you before I knew what the word 'love' meant, and that's going to sound false and far-fetched to a lot of people: how can a ten-year-old know what love is?_

 _I would challenge how anyone could meet you and not understand that you're someone special worth loving, no matter their age._

 _And, hey, we could talk about how kids' feelings and experiences shouldn't be undermined. It's a conversation we've had before, one that makes me believe we're going to be great parents, because we learned from the best, but I digress. My feelings after my mom passed away weren't invalid. Neither were yours when your mom left. So why should what I felt for you at the tender little age of ten be dismissed?_

 _After meeting you, it took a few years for me to name what I felt for you. What was this feeling for the girl who made me laugh? The girl who spent time with me every recess? The girl who was so sure I was the smartest student in class? I didn't know, but I knew it was something good._

 _I still remember the day I went home to my mom and dad and asked if I could invite you over. Looking back now, I realize they were probably surprised, just because I had always been more of a quiet kid who kept to himself, but I think it came as a relief for them that I had a friend I felt comfortable enough to invite over, you know, aside from birthday parties where everyone's invited out of courtesy or friends I knew through family. You were the first real friend I made on my own accord._

 _Of course my parents were excited to learn who this mysterious friend was who had their son all giddy and giggly. Once they made the connection and realized just which West you were, they were even more thrilled._

 _They told me the story of how your dad, a rookie cop, landed himself in the emergency room of Central City Hospital. He was triaged as a Level Four for a forehead laceration, so they assigned a resident physician to tend to him, that physician being my dad. Somehow in between Lidocaine injections and stitching his face, they struck an unconventional friendship. I remember my dad telling me it was one of his most memorable patient encounters just because of how nice and funny your dad was, but they lost touch after that._

 _What a twist of fate, that we brought our parents together again, the first of many wild cards in destiny that have come to characterize our relationship._


	4. Chapter 4

_I didn't know what was happening between us, only that you were the person I looked forward to seeing the most every day at school. You were the first friend whose house phone number I memorized. You were the girl I was excited to talk to and listen to. You were the kid I wanted to play with most._

 _Cisco recently dug up a whole bunch of video footage that our parents recorded of us. Halloween was just another day for you and me. When I watched those videos again, I remembered just how constantly we were dressing up and role-playing. I hope you haven't forgotten the "Barry and Iris, Mad Genius Scientists " bit we did, or the band we started for a good month after you got a keyboard for your birthday. It's okay if you forgot that latter one, we were pretty bad to the extent that our parents were our only fans._

 _I don't think any kids had the level of imagination we had. I'd say we still make pretty good use of that imagination in the bedroom…_

 _I think I've reached the first sentence I may have to edit out for the public reading of this._

 _Back to our dress-up games though: before my Bachelor Party was so rudely interrupted by Ralph, one part of Cisco's video montage reminded me of the time we actually threw ourselves a wedding and got married as kids. I hope you remember that because Joe had forgotten it too._

 _I don't recall whose idea it was, and I'm sure you didn't think anything of it because it was just another one of our games and another example of our imaginations getting the best of us, but seeing that video again took me back to that time, and I think that was what marked the days I started to realize I was falling in love with you._

 _I knew nothing about love and relationships let alone marriage. I just knew that I wanted to love someone one day the way my father loved my mother, enough to want to spend the rest of my life with them and start a family with them. And if I wanted to care for and support someone like my dad did my mom, who else could have been the recipient of that but you? My best friend who I risked my perfect behavior record for to pass notes to in class, for whose birthday I tried baking cupcakes for the first time ever (setting the smoke alarm off in the process), whose house I never wanted to leave when my parents came to pick me up or who I hated seeing leave when Joe rang our doorbell, who I couldn't stand to see upset or scared, who I wanted to share everything with._

 _Maybe that was the biggest sign, that I wanted everything that was mine to be yours too. If I was happy, I wanted you to be, and if you were sad, I wanted to be sad too._

 _I even wanted to share my mom with you, because of how much you loved her and she in turn loved you._

 _I remember when you confided in me that you wished you had two parents like I did, a mother and a father who loved each other so much that they didn't know what to do with that extra love, so they had to pass it on to someone else. You were so certain that the reason I was the happiest boy you'd ever met and the best friend you'd ever had was because I had a mom to love me. And I reminded you that you didn't have a mother, but that didn't stop me from thinking of you as the best person I'd ever known either._


	5. Chapter 5

_It's hard to conjure a piece of writing dedicated to our relationship and my love for you that doesn't mention our mothers. My vows wouldn't be genuine if I didn't talk about them. And I know this is painful to write, and probably painful to hear, but one of the worst nights of my youth marked the biggest change in our relationship. I never got to share my mother with you, but in another turn events, you shared your father with me._

 _I've come to reconcile that night, one of the worst incidents of my life, because it brought me closer to you. It took time for me to realize that though._

 _During my darkest days, plagued with teen angst, when I was older enough to understand the cruelty and injustice of what happened to me, I was resigned to the belief that I was always destined to be alone. My mother was killed in front of me, my father was taken from me. I was sure that this track record would extend to you if I ever pursued you in the way I wanted to. And Iris-I couldn't imagine that. I knew I would never be able to live with that prospect. It was better to keep quiet about what I felt for you forever if it meant you would still be a part of my life. Even if you gave yourself to someone else, no matter how much that might hurt me-the priority was your presence and your friendship. I knew ultimately that was what would make me happy: if you were close to me, and of course, if you were happy to be._

 _And that's what did keep me happy. It's probably the only thing that did after what happened to my parents, and the only way I survived and kept going. If I found myself slipping into a destructive mindset, if the pain of my past crept up on me, you were always there to keep me in check, you were always there to catch me, you were always there to save me. And it all started with your faith in me, that I wasn't crazy, that what I witnessed that night was valid. Even though it put you in a difficult position of who to choose to believe, me or your father, over and over again, you always chose me._

 _You were the reason I made it through those dark days Iris. I've sung it before, but I'll say it again: for that, you gave me no other choice but to love you._

 _But then I hit an obstacle with loving you._

 _Loving you was easy, but hiding how much I loved you was hard, and watching you love other people was harder, and considering the worst if I told you I loved you was the hardest._

 _The worst wasn't that you wouldn't reciprocate, but that things would forever change between us if you didn't. Or if you did reciprocate, and we didn't make it, we wouldn't be strong enough to bounce back._

 _Essentially it was this: that I would lose you._


	6. Chapter 6

_I took the risk one night though. Almost exactly three years ago, I took the risk._

 _I never intended to do it that night when I woke up that morning, or even in the weeks before. As we both know, you weren't available in that way. But as we also both know now, no level of planning matters when something is destined. I had wanted to tell you how I felt about you the night the Particle Accelerator launched, and I ended up in a coma for nine months instead. So no amount of preparation, no sense of readiness will change what's meant to be. And that night, I was meant to visit my dad in Iron Heights, and I was meant to hear that it was time to stop tiptoeing through life, to stop letting my tragedies determine my trajectories._

 _I was meant to be told that it was time to do what I feared most, knowing it could culminate in either the worst or the best thing to happen to me._

 _I remember thinking maybe the timing was better than I thought, despite the lack of foresight. It certainly seemed a little special and noteworthy. It was Christmas, your favorite time of year. We had just exchanged gifts the day before, and it was probably my personal favorite one that I'd ever given you in my time knowing you._

 _But then the reminder that you had made a decision to move forward with someone else crept over me, and I felt terrible, like my timing couldn't be any worse, and that it didn't matter how poetic anything seemed, because it wouldn't change the fact that I was too late. I thought of what kind of position I would be putting you in. I thought of how much pain I might be causing you. I felt selfish, and if there was one thing I knew I never wanted to do as long as I was living, it was to put myself before you. And wasn't I doing that with all of this? And how could I potentially commence our relationship and my promise to love you with a situation where you weren't the priority?_

 _My dad's words still rang loud and clear in my ears though, and I remembered the Man in Yellow again, and I told myself if I didn't at least tell you, I would be handing him one more victory._

 _And then I replayed the night of the Particle Accelerator explosion again, and how I was going to walk you home afterward and tell you, tell you that the newly-launched energy beams of all the atoms surrounding us were nothing compared to what I feel for you, let you know that your smile is beyond anything Harrison Wells or the minds at STAR Labs could explain, show you how fast my heart beats when I'm with you._


	7. Chapter 7

_I guess that reminder fueled me and told me to forgive myself, because I didn't know I was going to be struck by lightning that night. At least that was what I told myself on my way to your house._

 _But then I heard your voice too, like I've heard it for so many years, being as understanding and as forgiving and as clever as you are, reminding me to always be honest with you, "Because that's what best friends do, Barry," you'd always tell me. And you told me that if either one of us ever felt like we couldn't speak our truths, then maybe we weren't the good friends we thought we were._

 _So I made you my motive instead, your words to me, assuring me that I was just a friend confiding in his best friend, even though I knew I wasn't being honest with you about everything going on in my life at that time. It's something I still have trouble forgiving myself for, even if you've forgiven me._

 _I still think that was one of the most nerve-wrecking moments I've experienced, despite everything that I've been through ever since, because I knew that whatever happened, nothing was ever going to be the same again._

 _That's why I had to hug you. I was hugging you knowing that I wasn't brave enough to look you in the eye and say it, but I wanted to take you in my arms because I was afraid I was going to lose you, and if that was the case, I needed to hold you one last time._

 _I remember replaying what happened over and over again on my silent walk back to my apartment. I realized I wasn't as eloquent as I had always planned. I spoke those three words, which probably comprised the most unoriginal thing I could say to you, but were ultimately the only words that conveyed it best as my offering and my truth. It wasn't as romantic or as grand as I had pictured this moment would be for so long, after all the build-up, imagined scenarios, the almosts, the dreams._

 _It was just you and me sitting on Joe's couch like always, only it was so different. I was right next to you, but you seemed so far away, because everything I had kept from you, that I was still keeping from you, was between us. It was nothing like I had pictured for the last fifteen years. I felt you tense up, I saw the surprise on your face, and worst of all, I watched the tears in your eyes fall. And I couldn't even comfort you, because I was the reason you were crying. That's when I couldn't take it anymore, couldn't stand to look at you and at what I'd done, so I stood up and left._

 _The weeks after were hard. We weren't exactly speaking to each other. You were busy packing your belongings. The timing of the move seemed symbolic, like you were moving out of my life for good, and I struggled to reconcile that. I couldn't even revel in the relief of my confession, because I thought my worst fears were finally being realized, that I had completely lost you._

 _Thank God I was wrong._


	8. Chapter 8

_After I spoke it, it was always going to be there, and I don't think any of us forgot that, but we were able to put it behind us, because we were, above anything else, best friends, and more than that, we were family. And you're the biggest reason why we were able to move past it and revert to how things always were, Iris, because you have more grace and compassion than anyone deserves, certainly more than I deserve._

 _Things transitioned back to our old normal for the time being, at least as normal as they could be. Most importantly, you were happy. Your dissertation was approved. You had just started working at Picture News and earning the respect of your colleagues. You were in love._

 _Because you were in such a great place, I was too. Even if I was hurting because you didn't love me the way I loved you, I wouldn't really love you if your happiness wasn't mine too._

 _I figured I got my closure and might as well try to put myself out there for real this time, seeing as your presence in the back of my mind was the biggest reason why I never dated someone seriously. You were still always in the back of my mind, in the front of my mind, everywhere in my mind, but I was going to try to move on despite that._

 _Then the best happened._

 _It was short-lived, but it happened._

 _I'm talking of course about our kiss by the waterfront._

 _Remember how you told me you didn't want to know about the timeline changes I'd created? How you'd rather focus on the here and the now, because despite everything, we were always going to find each other, and that was all that was mattered?_

 _Remember how that changed after Savitar's prophecy?_

 _You sat me down one day and asked me to tell you everything that I remembered from all the timelines in which we were together. When I asked you why the change of mind, you responded, "I want as many memories as possible with you before I don't have the chance to make them anymore, even if they existed in another time."_

 _So I took you to that same shoreline, and I told you how Mardon created a tsunami that I was certain would kill everyone in Central City, how I begged you to flee to safety, how you insisted you weren't going to leave without me, how you admitted that you couldn't stop thinking about me since Christmas…_

 _Turns out I was right that nothing would ever be the same. And I kissed you by the waterfront, in that timeline and this one._


	9. Chapter 9

_Now you're aware that I obliterated that moment from existing in our current time as we know it. But I didn't erase my love for you. And later on I discovered that I didn't erase your love for me either._

 _My first indication of that was the surprise discovery of Gideon, which brought on another surprise discovery: that you and I were married in the future._

 _I couldn't believe what I was reading when I saw it, an actual glimpse into the future that told me you were going to become the headlining journalist I always knew you could be AND my wife. It seemed too perfect to be true (not the journalist part, I knew that was going to happen whether or not you married me because you're already perfect AND true). In fact it seemed so perfect, that I couldn't even bring myself to be afraid of the headline predicting my disappearance in a crisis. I'm still not scared of that, Iris, because the only future that matters to me is one where I'm with you._

 _Plus I'm following some great advice I've received recently from a pretty girl on a rainy day about living in the moment and not letting fear consume me._

 _Anyways, reading that headline-literally seeing the future-what did that mean for us in the present at that time? Did you still feel for me what I felt for you? Even if I erased that revelation by the waterfront? What exactly were the consequences of my time-travel? Was a relationship between us possible at some point? If it was, was it one so paramount that it lead to marriage? Was it all just a matter of time and patience before those feelings emerged again, before you uttered those words to me, the ones that made me forget all the havoc surrounding us to focus on your lips, to take your face in my hands and kiss you?_

 _I didn't know what to make of this. I didn't even know if I should dare believe it. It was hard to let myself hope again, to imagine you saying yes to me, you wanting to be with me, because I did live it for a moment, I even tasted it for a moment, but it had vanished as soon as it came._

 _Yet there it was, laid out for me in ink, on the front pages of The Central City Citizen._

 _So I started to dream again, even if it was just that-a dream. Dreams kept me going for fifteen years. I'm not someone who underestimates them, even as a scientist._

 _The second indication that I didn't erase your feelings came from you, even if it wasn't under the most ideal circumstances. This seems to be our theme or trend, funnily enough, I'm sure you've noticed it too, but I'm more than okay with that, because now I know it really was all just a matter of time and patience, and now I know that we always find each other despite the odds, that there's something between us that's stronger than anything trying keep us apart, and to me, that's worth every hurdle I've ever faced._

 _Anything that led me to be here, in this position, writing the vows that I will recite to you, that will make me your husband? Worth it._


	10. Chapter 10

_I'm talking about that night on the rooftop at Jitters, when you felt betrayal for keeping my secret from you for months. You forgave me, and that was all I wanted, no-all I needed from you that night, just your forgiveness, because I knew I could never live with myself or pardon myself for what I had done, for hurting you, especially if it turned you away from me forever._

 _But along with your forgiveness, I got another confession-somewhat at least. You admitted to me that I was on your mind, that being with me was something you contemplated. And even though the reality of the situation wasn't in our favor yet, just that was enough for me._

 _And then more truth came to light about time and its malleability, about Thawne, how he carefully crafted our timeline by killing my mother for his own agenda, how he toyed with our lives as though we were pawns on his chessboard, and how once, before his influence, there was a timeline where you and I didn't live together. My mother was never killed, my father was therefore never imprisoned. I grew up with both my parents, attended the same schools as you did. We remained friends, in fact our friendship grew stronger until it evolved into what I've always felt for you, and you reciprocated. Our love was so potent that we married in this timeline as well._

 _This revelation-that we were living in a time that had been altered from an original one took a huge toll on me as you know. It prompted questions neither of us could even begin to grasp. Was there a natural order to things that Thawne had disrupted? Who gets to decide the events of an indigenous timeline? Was our current timeline false?_

 _At this point, I was convinced that I had been gifted these powers so that I could take back what had been stolen from me. In hindsight, it was a self-centered conclusion, yes. But had anyone else been granted this ability to bend time but me? It felt prophetic._

 _I wrestled with whether or not I should go back and bring my mother to life again. It was easy to justify-after all, the single event that Thawne had induced was my mother's murder. If I reversed that sole incident, the initial order of the universe as it was intended would be restored._

 _Despite this justification though, I was uneasy. I turned to Joe for advice, and his thoughts mirrored my own. The decision was ultimately in my hands, as I was the one with the power, and as it was my mother's life that had come at the expense of Thawne's tampering. But I had to know what you were thinking too, as the person I valued more than anyone else. I don't know what I was expecting you to say on the rooftop that night. Really I just wanted someone to make the decision for me, but what you said resonated with me: that it was time to put myself first, because I had been altruistic for too long, and as much as I couldn't believe that, hearing it from you meant there had to be some weight to it._

 _You didn't tell me to go or not to go-only reassured me that what I want is valid._

 _I know I wanted a life with my parents. But most of all, I wanted you. Truth be told, maybe that was what sealed the deal for me-the promise that we would still be a part of each other's lives. How remarkable that the one constant in all of Thawne's meddling and murdering, is the two of us finding our way to each other?_

 _If you couldn't tell by now, I do believe in destiny, at least one that has fated that you and I belong together, even if that's the only thing ordained while everything else changes._


End file.
